A is for Awkward Fracktard: Adventures in Introverting

So the other day some old bosses of mine were visiting the building I work in. I recognized one because I see him all the time. But I spent possibly five minutes talking to him without recognizing the other boss. On top of that, there was the handshake hug. You know the thing I’m talking about: where you shake someone’s hand and lean in to give them a pat on the back? Yeah, we kind of danced back in forth over whether to do a handshake or handshake hug. It was awkward. That will bother me for the rest of my life! I am sitting here berating myself for not recognizing my one boss, and giving awkward handshake hugs. Algnakjbvfjb njlfznvl!!! Grrr! Argh!

I’ve taken the MBTI a couple of times (google it if you’re confused, I’m not here to teach you stuff). I’m an INTJ with a severe introvert slant. Because of the military and my job I’ve learned to be in an extrovert’s world. Extroverts, your world sucks! It sucks big blue donkey balls covered in ice cream that I can never eat, because it was on donkey balls. I hate socializing, except with a small group of friends I know, I hate public speaking, but am for some reason drawn to it. And I hate, HAAAAAATE small talk because I sound like a robot who took robot crack.

So on top of my being an awkward fracktard at work, I get invited out. It’s not going out and partying all night long in some dark sweaty place of hedonism (I have to have many adult drinks to survive such a place). Nope, a friend invited to his friend’s place, where people would just chill and talk and sip wine. At first glance that sounds great! I mean, no worries about being in a crowded bar/dance club? Cool. Then I thought about it. Oh dear lord, people I don’t know, and I have to smile and talk to them. And since I’m driving, I can’t even imbibe my liquid courage!

I stayed home and play PC Hidden Object Games on my computer with my bottle of Riesling  Yes, that is how I spent my Saturday night. So what!

I get called out for being mean looking. You know why? Because when I walk down the hallways of my job I either go with A: ignoring everyone, or B: trying to do a fake “hi, how ya doing” smile. The problem is, for some reason my fake smile looks unsettling. I don’t think I’m at Dexter mass murdering level smile yet, but from what I hear, its creepy. I wish I could see it. I’ve tried to re-create it in my mirror, but it doesn’t work. Maybe I could scare away clowns with it. I know it even scares my son. He says I do it when I’m really mad sometimes. Pfft.

What was I rambling about? Oh yeah, introverting. You know where its worst for me? Shopping. I’ve become quite the adept online shopper, from deployments where you had to get everything mailed in, and stateside because I hate going to the store. Case in point: Walmart on a Saturday. See, this was part of the reason I was already too drained to do nothing but drink wine and play video games. I forgot it was Saturday and went to Walmart. Oh god. Oh dear baby Hay-soos in Heaven with a sombrero. It was a madhouse! A madhouse of ghettoness. Of roly poly bodies of all nationalities excreting their trailer park and welfare-edness all over the place. Why is that little girl half-dressed and rolling on the floor?! Why is that man riding a children’s bike down the aisles when he is clearly over 300 pounds and we are in A FRACKIN STORE!!! My son laughed as I started to daggone near hyperventilate. By the time we got back to the car, I was catatonic, muttering to myself “Never go to Walmart on the weekend,” over and over.

Good thing my favorite holiday is coming up: Halloween! Yay! See, when you dress up in costume, you’re another person, so you don’t have to be your regular awkward scaring others self. Or at least that’s what I’ve tricked my brain to believe. I swear, I need a job where I can dress up in costume every day. No clowns or furries though. *Shudders*


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