Family: I Wouldn’t Drown Them, but I Might Have a Leg Cramp When They Need Saving

So one stereotype for the brown crayoned people of America is that many cannot swim. As a whole I believe its pretty valid with my family. My biological sperm donor was in the Army and Coast Guard so he learned and taught me early. My mother on the other hand sometimes makes me think she could drown in a bathtub. I love that woman but she worries me.

I say all that to say that there are more than a few family members that I’m not too sure I would save from downing. I mean, I honestly believe I would be doing the world a favor. My Aunt Raccoon ( yes, she is huge, has these weird patches of hair on her face that makes her look like a raccoon) is a scavenger. And had the nerve to call my soft-hearted mother to complain about my actions during Thanksgiving. That I was disrespectful. Tha frack?

Let’s look at thing from a couple of months ago: I spent over 300 dollars so my mother could have Thanksgiving at her house. I drove over 4 hours to be there. I helped cook half the frackin food. I got flea bites up and down my legs because my mother let my cat get fleas, and I’m Godiva chocolate to those bustards.

Aunt Raccoon brought Ice Cream. Egg Nog flavored.

And then gets pissed because I don’t let her take it back home after no one eats it. On top of that, she gets irritated when I tell her to go home, and that I don’t need her help in the kitchen. (She’d already fixed herself two plates that she lied and said she hadn’t to my mother over the phone).

Why do I have 50-60 year old heffas that feel the need to call my mother and complain? This isn’t the first time. Why do they feel they DESERVE so much respect from me?!

There’s also on the other side my Aunt Cougar. She and her daughter tried to extort money from me, saying somehow that the “sins of my father” towards them made it so that I owed them. Whaaa? I’m sorry, I was sitting in my mom’s belly when Aunt Cougar decided to get drunk and screw my father. And I was only 4 when she decides to get her daughter to lie about being molested by him. If anything, I deserve payment for not killing these be-witches.

Needless to say, I can count on my hands how many people in my family I actually like, and wouldn’t want them to sink like the Titanic, while I don’t share my space on a gigantic piece of wood 😉

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