Black Girl’s Curse: Hairgate, Hairpocalypse, and Hairpolitics

Well… that convention took a while to recover. Didn’t even get my hair braided last weekend, and had to wait a whole week… and because of that:

Yeah, hmmm. Touchy subject I’m about to give my opinion on. But I give a flying frackadoodle what people think… Uh, hardly ever. And it’s my hair, and I’m going to talk about it. So there!

Now that I’ve gotten that out the way…

Brown crayon women like to make a big deal about their hair. Whether it’s don’t touch it because she just got it pressed/permed/straightened/ or “did”, or oh my god she got the “big chop” and got rid of the trappings of European beauty! And God forbid if you’re on the other side of what they believe about what is the BEST thing to do for black hair!

So I’ve been “natural” for over 10 years. That means no hair relaxer/ hair straightener. But only those in the know, actually know because I keep my hair pretty much in braids. And some of those that are part of the Afropublican side of the United States of Black Hair, well, they say I’m still not a true member because I hide my ‘fro. Of course, Permocrats are no better, because they love the “creamy crack” (hair relaxers) and weaves with a vengeance, to the point that their hairline is messing up satellites when the sun and moonlight hits their huge foreheads.

I’m an independent runner in this great debate. I stopped getting relaxers in my head so long ago because it only kept my hair straight and comb-able for probably 2-3 weeks. There’s nothing like trying to fix your hair in the morning and feeling the Fail when you cannot get it through your reverted roots. They scream “Africa! Africa!” as you slather more chemicals to beat that natural tight curl into submission. So even knowing that you should only the relaxer in 4-6 weeks, you’re at the salon the next day hoping your hair doesn’t fall out.

And some might say “Well dimensionthe5th, couldn’t you just wait another week? NO! I refuse at any time to look like a “nappy headed hoe”. Not to say I’m judging every chick out there that has about 4 inches of afro and then straight hair hanging in a ponytail. Wait, I AM, but I also understand that they may not always have the time or money to get it done right away. I mean, while deployed, I’ve rocked the short fro. No way I’m sitting in someone’s hut in the desert for hours on end getting my hair braided. I might even throw in a texturizer or two to loosen my curls and make it a tad bit more manageable.

But this is where the Afropublican’s scream foul. A texturizer? That just creamy crack light! Chemical’s chemicals, you’re killing your poor Nubian hair. Pffft. Do you know what happens to a big afro in the sandbox with a kevlar helmet? You come back inside looking like Roots: The War Version. No thank you. And for the Permocrats, nope, not on your side either while deployed. Just think, sweating all day long, possibly with no running water. I’d rather have a short texturized fro to wash with a couple of bottles of water.

Ah… So my hair is re-braided, yes I spent over 200, just like I do every 1 to 2 months (and got to watch some awesome Nollywood. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, look it up. It’s weirdawesome). But like I said, I’m independent. I don’t care what you do with your hair, so why should you give a frack about mine? I pay for it, I take care of it. I don’t need to join any side of debate. Like I’ve been told and have said to others before: I don’t have to do anything but stay black and die 😉

… And pay taxes.



4 thoughts on “Black Girl’s Curse: Hairgate, Hairpocalypse, and Hairpolitics

  1. Amen! The Permocrats had me rolling. I am natural as well but keep my hair in kinky twist, Havana twist, or yarn braids 100% of the time and I am tired of hearing people say I am too lazy to do my hair…which I put the braids in myself for 6-8 hours, or that I should embrace my hair. I do embrace my hair and I also embrace the joining of my hair to some weave.

    • Lol! I enjoy the joining of my hair with weave too. I definitely commend you for braiding your hair yourself. I have neither the patience… or… yeah, I don’t have the patience to do it myself. Especially when I know the friendly neighborhood Nigerian braid shop will get it done in about 4.

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