The Creatures Plot Against Me…War Against Nature

I have carpenter bees outside on my patio.

Carpenter bees. I’d never even heard of carpenter bees before moving here. These bustards look like ninja black bumblebees on steroids. They don’t sting you apparently, but the are very… Lively. And they swarm my patio.


If there is one thing to be said about me, it’s that I have many things that make me paranoid, that give me a phobia like feeling that I should run away from it. Bees are one of those things. I have been stung before, back when I was around 10. And although it wasn’t bad and I didn’t even have a stinger left in my back by the time I rode my bike crying back to my house, I was TRAUMATIZED for life.

All bugs look like this to me. The Devil.

And don’t worry, I freely cringe, whimper, and squeal like a little girl at anything that isn’t a pet or zoo animal. So, that means the frog that hopped along past me this morning as I went into the gym (whimper). That’s the possum that used to hang out as the trash compactor at my apartment complex when I lived in Georgia (squeal with a dash of cringe). And that definitely goes for the spider that somehow made it into my car the other night and almost caused me to crash (full out scream and panic).

It’s not just the bugs though. Small animals that are NOT dogs or cats (and many dogs are suspect), freak me out. So I was pulling a desk duty late one night, and my little young service member was manning the desk while I did an outdoor security check. Well, everything was all good until I had to lock a door by the dark area with the huge trash bins. Something big and furry ran past. Loudly.

In the dark. Creature.

It may have called my name as it ran between the trash cans. “Human, I will eat your soul as dessert!”

I said a loud “frack this mess” and speed walked back indoors. When I returned to the desk, I told the little Marine sitting there this: “Look, I know this is about to sound really jacked up and girly, but I need you to go outside and lock a door for me. There’s a creature out there, and I don’t do creatures.”

Luckily the poor little troop was okay and facing down the scary raccoon/cat/possum/monster of the shadows.

Ugh. And in the summer its worse. I want so bad to be a hermit. My pet cat needs to beef up and be a guard dog against all the nonhuman things out to get me.


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