I’ve had many recurring dreams over the years but one element that never fails to shake me up.
I love storms, well, unless driving in them. But that’s mostly because of other drivers. But storms are a beauty to watch. They are forces of nature that just make you feel alive. I love to watch lightning strike down and the bass of thunder come afterwards. The wind whip trees into a dancing frenzy. I feel a little “sing with all the colors of the wind, Disney Pocahontas-ish” when watching storms.
Even tornadoes. So why do they haunt my sleep?
It never fails. Sometimes it’s one on the horizon, huge and full of destruction. Black and threatening. Maybe it’s so many that I can’t count coming slowly towards me. Sometimes I’m in the middle, surrounded by the winds around me. And the inside of the storm is calm. Just a large eyeball floating over the land. Staring at me unblinking.
Yes. Remember, this is MY mind so you know it’s going to be extra fracked up.
The tornado or nadoes never reach me. There is just an unbelievably large crushing feeling of doom. Of hopelessness. Of fear.
It’s funny. I have family members and friends that seem to believe that I fear nothing. Like I had a child at 16, joined the military and deployed twice all while saying “whoo-hoo this is fun!!!!”
I fear. A lot.
Answering phones, crowds, people’s ability to possibly be telepathic and read my mind, clowns, birds, little people, people in mascot costumes, bees, roaches, looking in the mirror when the light is off, a sound in a quiet house, my computer camera secretly taping me, public speaking, my face melting off, saying something extremely odd that makes them realize just how coo-koo for cocoa puffs I am, getting blown up in a porta potty while deployed, being alone. Oh yes. I fear the world around me.
But I looked at myself in a mirror long ago (with the light on of course) and decided to face all fears. That I wasn’t going to let fear rule my life. I wasn’t going to go out of my way to do crazy nonsense things, but I was not going to let fear stop me. So I’d sweat and shake and hyperventilate my way through the world. Getting that deep satisfaction afterwards that I survived. Never wanting to do it again. Knowing I would have to in order to stand by my promise to myself.
So, I believe the tornado dreams are two things. One is that they seem to come when a huge change is about to happen in my life. And two, they are the manifestation of my fear I refuse to show to the world.
A couple of bad dreams in order for the world to see that I’m a bad*** chickidee?
I can live with it. As long as the eyeball doesn’t come back. *shudder*