When Even the Monster Teen Thinks You Gone Too Far… My Un-PCness in the Home

I’m not politically correct on my good days. And on my bad days and medicated days I tend to let anything and everything fall out of my mouth. Especially to my son. Even without cursing, he says I’m the crudest person he knows. I don’t think I’m as bad as he feels…I’m sure other parents have these kind of conversations right?.

Monster Teen: *walks into living room after spending a day being a lazy teen. His afro that he recently started growing is completely flat and matted¬†from where he’s been laying. Also, he’s wearing a grungy t-shirt and shorts and his skin is crying out “moisturize me!” (Doctor Who reference there ūüėČ

Me: Sooooo, I take it your name is not Toby today. Looking more like Kunta Kinte (Roots reference here). *sips tea*

M-T: * looks at me appallingly* Are you serious? That’s just racist Mom!

I love this little guy. I think he’s hypnotizing me with his toothless screams…

Me: Not my fault you come out looking like a runaway slave.

I think I’m to the point of my son threatening to tell me I’m going to hell.

I’m more of the mindset that if I’m not crude and up front with my monster, who will be? So I tell him that not washing his long johns will give him a stank crotch. Or let him know that if he fails 9th grade and continues to have a gpa below at least a 2, I’m legally changing his name to Taekwondus Aloewicious Jones and then kicking him out my house.

Monster Teen: Taekwondus?

Me: Yeah, you’ll need a proper flipping burgers name.

MT: Mom…

Me: and you’re from Bah-more now. Forget that you’re from *******. You have to learn to talk like you’re from Merr-lin!

MT: *walks out of living room to my cackles.*

Well, I’m having some oral surgery this week, and I know he’s happy about not having to hear embarrass him while he’s on the phone about his room smelling of armpit and teenage spunk.

That’s ok. Nothing wrong with my hands and my access to his FB page.



Aaaand, Of Course Its A Great Day to be Smacked in the Face Verbally

You know, I’m enjoying my freedom as the Monster is on Vacay (at gramma’s house, out of my hair, FREEDOM!!!). And so, I’m getting more workouts in. Going out on more dates, since I don’t look in the mirror and see Little Miss Muffin Top Blobette. I’ve lost over 30 pounds so far. Go me! I’m still curvy as all heck, but my thighs do look like they’ve regressed from toddlers to newborns.

And I’m feeling great. I’m feeling pretty, oh so pretty. And on the dating sites I feel my confidence leaking into the interwebs.

Even with the randoms that throw me off, like Mr. 24 hour stalker.

But there’s always one. I’d like to add this message verbatim.


Message 1 from Douchebigalow (I think he’s trying to connect with my geeky profile, where I have photos of me in what-else? Cosplay):

INTj have one weakness… the J… Yes, you feline eyes are there, but who says magic is there gift…. It might be intimate. Please only reply if you are not “WHITE BOY Crazy.” Seriously… yes, I said it. Still I don’t think MAn of STEEL will be better than Avengers… EN_ _ on the test aka SENOR Q ps., Thinking women are quite interesting and not in a Vulcan sense. lol.

Message 2 from Douchebigalow (after he’s seen that I looked at his page but did not reply):

See, ¬†I did not call you¬†those names…¬†lol. Thanks for stopping by and being legit about the cat¬†or pantera in you… oh, Cheshire¬†
in you… off to meditate… Oh,¬†I love the Receding hairline on the new¬†Superman. It gives him something.¬†lol… WHat do you think?

I finally reply to Senior Douche:

You know, I did not reply, because I can’t tell if you were trying to be funny, or slyly put me down and be racist by questioning if I’m white boy crazy? Seriously, do you get many women interested in you with that kind of opening? Not this one. Not this one at all.

And I get back from Senior Douche:

Hi Oreo cookie…

My last reply before blockage:

I still don’t even get why you contacted me in the first place, just to troll and hurl insults? If I was at all interested, I would be extremely pissed that you are calling me out of name now, with a slur, just because I don’t fit your ideal of what a black woman should think. Thank God I’ve come from a racially diverse family, lived all over the world, and am raising my son not to be an ignorant bastard like men of your ilk. Good day sir, please enjoy me blocking you.


Seriously, am I over reacting with this shittake mushroom?! As you can tell, this was a black male. Apparently he guessed from my profile/ hobbies or just wanted to make sure that I was not “White Boy Crazy”. And yes, the Cheshire is my thing. WTF about being legit about the cat in me? WTF about talking about the J in my Myers Briggs INTJ?

Why message me just to be soooo, ew?! Just go die in a corner ahole. This pissed me off more than it should have. Seriously, even without the put downs this dude was not attractive to me in the first place, no matter his race. But to actively troll me with BS on a stupid dating website? To call me an oreo when you don’t even know me? Dagnabbit, I’m an uppity negro thank you very much! (¬†http://dimensionthe5th.com/2013/03/31/the-uppity-negro-does-not-do-holiday-inns/¬†)

Yeah, I was trolled. Letting this whole irritation go in 3, 2, 1.
I hope his testicles rot off.

Everyone is Racist in the Comment Section

I get most of my news online nowadays. Watching the local news stations irritate me because I just constantly pick out their bad story writing and articulation. So I read the news. Safer that way, until you get to the comment section that is.

The comment section, whether it’s YouTube¬†or Washington Post, is a smorgasbord¬†of all that is wrong with the world. Say for instance there is a story about a black person who was killed. You will find at least 1 comment with the word n*gger, and someone saying the death was deserved. There will possibly be also a reference to fried chicken and watermelon. It’s like a caricature¬†of something, but I’m not sure what. I mean, I feel blacker than usual and like to get some fried chicken every now and again, but daggone¬†it my favorite meat is a medium cooked steak from the frackin¬†Capital Grill. Pricey, but it melts in your mouth like butter…mmmmm (fat girl drooool).

Ahem. What the frack¬†was I saying? Oh yes (wipes drool). It’s not just black people though that are a target. It’s every color of the fricking¬†rainbow. I don’t ever hear it said out loud, but I swear, when just reading the news comments every day I see the words “honky, chink, wetback, monkey” etc, etc, all over the comments of these posts. And everyone hates every other race. And we should all go back to whatever country our ancestors are from.








Have I discussed this before? About how you couldn’t pay me to live in Africa? Look, here’s the deal, my mutt ancestry is most likely about 40 percent african, 40 percent middle eastern, 20 percent hispanic, and 5 percent asian (shut up about the math. A writer doesn’t need to know math. Unless they write math books. Or for science and all that). So either you want me to go and do a whirlwind tour for the rest of my life, or you want to send me to the places where I got the most of my genetics from. Hell to the NO. There is no way I’m going to end up in an African village with my giggles hanging down to my knees and no weave to keep my hair braided (dear God that was so superficial that I had to slap myself).

And have the lips of my precious bits chopped off. Nuh uh. No. You can’t make me. And as for the Middle east. I have been there enough in a military capacity that I NEVER EVER would visit for fun. Let alone live.

So, anyway, in the comments, yeah, I can’t go back to where you think I should call home. And sorry, not all of this race or that race is the reason for the downfall of civilization. It is the ignorance¬†that have been allowed to keep having children and were given the internet. I totally believe in selective breeding. Bring me my Aldous Huxley baby making future, because anything must be better than the Idiocracy future right around the corner (not really, but you get the point).

Seriously, the thing that rattles me the most about these racists comments all over the nets is… You walk around and have no idea if the dude serving you Chili’s thinks all black people are animals that should be put down. And that he just spit in your food. It scares me dude. I wish for the days when I didn’t have to see everyone’s opinion, even though I scroll down like a torture junky, just ready to see what they wrote.

It’s painful. And I mean, pain should only be given one place… “Consensual” in the bedroom ūüėČ
No, seriously though, I’ve lost many internet friends because of this. During the election specifically. I don’t care who you vote for or what your political leanings may be, but when you start calling the president a monkey, yes, I’m going to believe you think all brown crayon people are. And yes, I have to delete. Because I can’t trust you not to lynch my “blass”. Just the same if you start spouting a whole bunch of black power/white devil mess. Really? You’re just trying to get your blass killed, but you are not taking me down with you.

Aldous Huxley with a touch of 1984 or Idiocracy? Please baby Jesus, I’d like my dystopian future to at least be smart.

Don’t Feed Me BS… It Tastes Funny or Taking the Interwebs Seriously

So… After my Monster Teen(* patent pending*) made his YouTube Harlem Shake video, I actually started looking up some others. Didn’t impress me, but maybe that’s because it’s not my egg up there. I wasn’t into planking, because that’s just some special moment helmet and cape stuff to me. I liked Gangnam Style because I was over in Asia when it happened, and had been there for so many years that I couldn’t help but immerse myself somewhat in their culture.

But back to what people are already saying is played out. You know, one of the first things I asked my M.T. was if he knew what the real Harlem shake was. “Yeah, but this is just a fun thing that people are doing.”

Bam! Out of the mouths of babes, or monstrous teenagers.

But some people, my brown crayon color people, are completely upset! It’s a mockery, it’s peach crayon people stealing what makes us, us! As on the YouTube video interviews of the people of actual Harlem say: the Harlem shake is a way of life!”¬†It’s *gasp* racist!

For serious?

Are we for serious here?

One comment I read in an online discussion about Harlem Shakemggedon says it best:

“The Black American Legacy is anger with no resolution. That needs to change.”

Let me clear something up real quick before I go on. I am proud to be black. I like my skin, I like my big lips, I love all the things I can do with my hair, I love my smooth voice, I love that my genetics keep me looking young (or as a white coworker likes to say “Black don’t crack!”). I love the way my Ma taught me to cook, and I love my badonk, no matter how “ignant” it may be right now after I gained a couple of pounds. I was raised to be open and understanding of all cultures, while loving my own.

But a dance doesn’t define me. My people’s history is in my genetic chain, but learning that knowledge and then putting down great works here on this planet until I die defines me. If a dance only created 10-30 years ago in your city (the accounts change with different articles) is the only thing you know of your history, along with a story of Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks, and MLK that you learned in school during Black History Month… Well I pity you.

In fact, I hear Ursula from the Little Mermaid singing the words “Poooor¬†Unfortunate Soullllls!” (which by the way is the same thing that plays in my head when I see ugly babies).

You want to know who you are? Pick up a daggone¬†book. I remember falling in love with 2 books in Elementary school: Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe, and Elie Wiesel’s Night. Which opened my mind to the plights of my past ancestry and another’s (yes, I read them in Elementary. The nerd is very strong in this one). You want something rooted in your ancient people? There are SO MANY great books on Egyptian/Ethiopian/Kush mythology. You want to know your people? Turn around and speak with the Nigerian braiding your hair that still has family in the “motherland” and watch those awesome Nollywood¬†movies just because they’re awesome. Instead of heading out to the club on Saturday and nursing your headache on Sunday as you are in your finery at church, why not visit one of the many museums that populate the nation that showcase black history, artistry and culture? Or… Just continue to complain about someone stealing your dance, which is somehow a derision of an Ethiopian shoulder dance, while you continue to bump songs about the strip club, and post videos of Lil Boomquisha¬†twerkin at 2 years old. My God.

I’ve seen videos of the Ethiopian shoulder dance. Beautiful, joyful, and steeped in ARTISTRY.

The “original” Harlem Shake, well, I ALWAYS assumed it was thought up after seeing some local crackheads¬†shaking from needing a fix. That’s why seeing my teen in the video have what looks like convulsions in the background… I just said “Meh, close enough.”

My son is going to grow up rich in the history of the people who share his color of skin, along with those who don’t. What is your child going to grow up like, when you tell him/her that their¬†culture was a dance that’s looks like a broken crackhead?

Pooooooooor unfortunate soul!