This Curvy Chick Hisses at Donuts like a Vampire with Holy Water

I’ve lost about 10 pounds in a week. No, it was not completely in a healthy way, frack you very much.

Sorry, that’s hunger talking. I’m straight Hangry here.

If you’ve never been around the military, there’s one thing that you know: we’re not allowed to get fat. I know you’re probably saying “I’ve seen PLENTY of tubby troops, looking like they’re about to try out for the Biggest Loser.” Well, all I can say is many slip through the cracks, mostly because their leadership is not putting a boot up their hey-nanny-nanny to get fit. Also, a lot of us are just broken from deployments.

And that’s what’s had me depressed and frustrated. I’ve been on a no upper body workout for the past couple of months and loads of pain killers. Certain painkillers cannot be taken on an empty stomach. Which means I was barely working out from pain, and eating a lot of food. Especially a lot of unhealthy food. I guess you can’t help but to get fat if you are having a slice of pound cake as a “quick breakfast”.

And then, you go to the doc, get a height and weight done, and find out you’re about the same size you were when you were pregnant with the Monster Teen. It makes you get on that pity train faster than the hounds of hell after you.

But I’ve been in the military for years, and understood what I needed to do. Cut out all deserts. Cut out pastas and bread. Fruits and veggies meals with only a small portion of protein for one meal a day. Cardio for at least 45 minutes a day with a trip to the sauna for at least 15 minutes afterward. And the unhealthy stuff: double dose of green coffee pills and raspberry K each day. And fiber pills each day, along with a water pill. On top of that, loads and loads of water to keep me hydrated.

It makes for a grouchy DT5th. I growled at people who had cupcakes the other day. I seriously blanked out and had a honey bun in my hand from my pantry the other day. I was getting ready to leave for work, and the stupid thing was there. I gasped and threw it back on the shelf, running before the fat girl personality inside me took over again and grabbed the honey bun. I think I really may have a split personality right now!

I dream of donuts, and cake loaded with icing. Milkshakes. Fully loaded potatoes with sour cream and butter and salt. Oh my. The office had donuts the other day. The smell of them had tears pricking my eyes. My coworkers saw as I whimpered and tried not to breathe, moved the donuts from my sight, and then waved folders to try to get the smell out the area.

I’m gritting my teeth with hunger, even when I just had a huge bowl of spinach. Fatgirl DT5th says it’s not enough food. It wants some pasta!

Pray for me readers of these interwebs. I feel like I’m a step away from the Stephen King short story where the man stranded starts eating himself. Fatgirl DT5th wants to gnaw on my arm.
I may need an exorcism and some pound cake after this next weigh-in. Before I turn full on crazy and gnaw on someone like I’m on Bath Salts.

Punch a Clown in the Face & Other Phobias

Stephen King’s It was the first story, movie and written, that got me into Stephen King and adult horror books. I think I was about ten or so. Saw the movie first and then went to the library to rent out the book. This series also solidified the creepiness of Clowns. Pennywise is still forever more the scariest clown in the history of the world.

I hate clowns. But that phobia is kind of normal. I mean, who actually likes clowns? They have fake painted faces, always smiling, laughing for no reason, making you try to laugh with them. Who does that?! Clowns do. They’re unsettling little bastards that do not seem human once they have all the clown makeup and gear on. They also have a habit of messing more with the people who aren’t smiling. Guess who that is? Me. Yes, me. And I can’t give them a fake smile because all I can think about it that as soon as I start to trust them a butcher knife is going to come out of the folds of their costume and they will proceed to chop me into little pieces.

The other thing that unsettles me kind of connects to the clown issue: furries and full costume wearers (like the Mickey & Disney characters). Seriously, I refuse to ever go to Disney World. I have the money saved, I love amusement parks, but heck to the naw. Those beasts are running all around the park, the commercials say so! And THEIR fixed smiles and big gloved hands are going to come towards me, ready to touch me, and I will ACT A FRACKIN FOOL. One of my jobs once called for me to be around a mascot for an amount of time. Even though I knew who was in the costume, they knew that once the head was on to stay far away from me. Or they may not walk away with their twigs and berries un-kicked.

What else unsettles dimensionthe5th? Glad you asked: birds. Yes, all kinds of birds. Except penguins  They’re cool. But especially ducks and geese. There’s these gangster geese at the lake by my mother’s house that like to try and attack me when all I’m trying to do is sit out on the porch and inhale some nicotine while reading a book. Birds plot, you can tell… that’s why you’ll be minding your business far away from them and they will find you and poop on you anyway. I think it’s between dolphins and birds that one of those devious animals will try and take over the world from humans one day. In case you didn’t know, I’m convinced dolphins are shady bastards.

Last but not least, I do feel bad about this one, because these people can’t help it, but midgets freak me out. I don’t know if it was Oompa Loompas at an early age or something else that makes me feel skittish around little people, but I’m just… I don’t try to, and I think I hide my feelings pretty well, but I’m just ready to run when I see someone of the shorter stature. It doesn’t help that my weirdest and scariest dreams feature evil midget monsters. That and monkeys, but the monkeys are usually on my side.

What does that all tell you? I watched too many horror movies and read too many Stephen King books as a young kid.

Pet Peeve #52.757 – New Adult Readers Reading Bad Things

I love reading. I love books. Although I have an e-reader now, there’s still nothing like the smell of books. Yes, I smell books. I started reading at 4, had moved to chapter books by five. By 10 I was reading Stephen King, and then stories on the high school list like Elie Weisel’s Night, and Things Fall Apart, all of Isaac Asimov and Shakespeare for the heck of it. A speed reader, I would finish a book of around 3-400 pages in a day if I could sneak in the time. Even when I went through basic training and wasn’t allowed to have any books, I had a small notebook that could fit in the pocket of my uniform that I filled with poetry so I could read over and over again.

That being said, although my reading isn’t always high-end (I’ll read sci-fi/fantasy fiction more than anything else, although I love reading nonfiction about different religions), I do know what well written books are. I do know that it takes a certain skill level. And that even a famous writer isn’t THE BEST writer out there. I mean, my favorite two authors of all time are Stephen King and Anne Rice, and they can go for a chapter about a crack in the wall O_o.

My pet peeve though is those adults that haven’t picked up a book since they graduated from high school or college, and then it was only required reading. And then, this NEW HOT BOOK comes out, and they read it, and want to come talk to me. Argh. Grrr. Ugh. Dear Baby Jesus, it’s not even a GOOD BOOK. It’s reads like the author only had a 5th grade level, does not understand what plot is, and can’t construct a complete sentence. Granted, I’m not the best writer, but I’m a lover of good writing skill. And I’m opinionated. And I’m vocal about my opinion.

Like this: I’m at the car dealership getting my car checked, out smoking a cigarette and reading my e-reader (because that’s what I do: feed my brain while I destroy my health) and this older woman walks up. “Hi, you love reading huh? Me too.” Yay another reader! “You know what I ordered on my Kindle and can’t put down?” Please let it be something good. Not that 50 shades of sh– “That 50 Shades of Grey series!”

Pause.

And then my rant spilled forth without me being able to control it. “You know, I’m so tired of hearing about that horrid series. Who the frack would pay for such bad writing? Why would you read such bad and unrealistic erotica when there’s so much better with an actual plot in it. The author writes like she didn’t pass high school, and even her take on BDSM makes it sound like you’re not into that kind of thing unless something is wrong with you. Her characters are Mary Sue characters…”

The question comes of have I read it. “No, a couple of chapters, detailed synopsis. Did you know this was basically fanfiction that she just changed the names? You’re paying money for fanfiction!”

By the way, I love fanfiction. I just think an author should actually EDIT if they’re going to take a story that they wrote for their vision of someone else’s characters and then publish it. And that’s only my most recent pet peeve about new adult readers. The one before that was of course the “Insert Yourself because the whole main character is a blob just waiting for you” Twilight books. And dear Lord, the Da Vinci Code. That was mostly guys: “I read a book. It was great. I am now intellectual.” Go sit in a corner and shut up dude. That author made me fall asleep 3 times trying to read the first chapter before I gave up.

And I understand everyone has their likes and dislikes. Have at it. But if you’ve only read one frackin book or series, do NOT talk to me about favorite authors, about writing styles, skills, and think that you can bond with me. It’s like a person coming up saying they’re a rap fan because they heard a Black Eyed Peas song. Are you serious?!?!?! It’s like saying you like to cook but all you know is Hamburger helper. Delicious at times, but not really high-end cuisine. In fact, I think I’m cooking Hamburger helper for dinner. Who says I’m too uppity and opinionated?

Rant over.