Nightmares and Dreamscapes: The Mind Is a Scary Place, My Mind Anyway

I’ve had many recurring dreams over the years but one element that never fails to shake me up.

Tornadoes.

I love storms, well, unless driving in them. But that’s mostly because of other drivers. But storms are a beauty to watch. They are forces of nature that just make you feel alive. I love to watch lightning strike down and the bass of thunder come afterwards. The wind whip trees into a dancing frenzy. I feel a little “sing with all the colors of the wind, Disney Pocahontas-ish” when watching storms.

Even tornadoes. So why do they haunt my sleep?

It never fails. Sometimes it’s one on the horizon, huge and full of destruction. Black and threatening. Maybe it’s so many that I can’t count coming slowly towards me. Sometimes I’m in the middle, surrounded by the winds around me. And the inside of the storm is calm. Just a large eyeball floating over the land. Staring at me unblinking.

It didn’t have a mouth thank heavens. Oh god, please don’t let it have a mouth next time!!!!

Yes. Remember, this is MY mind so you know it’s going to be extra fracked up.

The tornado or nadoes never reach me. There is just an unbelievably large crushing feeling of doom. Of hopelessness. Of fear.

It’s funny. I have family members and friends that seem to believe that I fear nothing. Like I had a child at 16, joined the military and deployed twice all while saying “whoo-hoo this is fun!!!!”

I fear. A lot.

Answering phones, crowds, people’s ability to possibly be telepathic and read my mind, clowns, birds, little people, people in mascot costumes, bees, roaches, looking in the mirror when the light is off, a sound in a quiet house, my computer camera secretly taping me, public speaking, my face melting off, saying something extremely odd that makes them realize just how coo-koo for cocoa puffs I am, getting blown up in a porta potty while deployed, being alone. Oh yes. I fear the world around me.

But I looked at myself in a mirror long ago (with the light on of course) and decided to face all fears. That I wasn’t going to let fear rule my life. I wasn’t going to go out of my way to do crazy nonsense things, but I was not going to let fear stop me. So I’d sweat and shake and hyperventilate my way through the world. Getting that deep satisfaction afterwards that I survived. Never wanting to do it again. Knowing I would have to in order to stand by my promise to myself.

So, I believe the tornado dreams are two things. One is that they seem to come when a huge change is about to happen in my life. And two, they are the manifestation of my fear I refuse to show to the world.

A couple of bad dreams in order for the world to see that I’m a bad*** chickidee?

I can live with it. As long as the eyeball doesn’t come back. *shudder*

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My Phobia Of Dentists Could Rip Your Jaw off and Beat It With a Stick

They finally got me. I’d been avoiding going to the dentist. The military has it set up that avoiders like me can only avoid for so long. And so something pinged on the higher-ups radar and I had to make an appointment. Dental Exam and Cleaning. *Shudder*

THIS. IS. WORSE. THAN. CLOWNS!

Last night, before the appointment, I had trouble sleeping. My stomach was in knots and I kept having the poop butterflies like I do when I have to speak in front of people. I kept waking up every 15 minutes or so, trying to figure out how much time I had before the dreaded appointment. By the time I got up and left the house, I had to turn around because I’d forgotten my military ID. And my sanity. My hands were shaking. I could barely talk when I finally got to the front and checked in. My jaw (and already irritated gums) was aching from clenching my jaw all night and morning. And then… I finally sit down with the nurse.

“I got to tell you something before you start.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“If you plan to even touch my mouth without knocking me out, you are going to have to tie me down.”

 

You see, I never liked the dentist before – who does? They are torture experts. Everything in their office is straight out of a horror movie, or a POW camp. But I used to be able to deal with it, until my last deployment.

 

See, I’d held onto my wisdom teeth for a while. The military usually likes to yank those bad boys out as soon as you join. But mine weren’t above the gums, or bothered me at all. Until a couple of years ago. And so, before deployment, I was in the doctor’s office. With an abscess in my gums but 2 wisdom teeth (and a tooth beside them) needed to be pulled right away. The doctor there said he didn’t have time to put me under because some blah-blah-bullspit about needing some months after surgery to check up on me. So he was going to just shoot me full of novacane… or lidocaine (one of those cane numbing medicines) and take out the teeth.

 

Have I mentioned that I have a super high tolerance for pain meds… and with already having a medical condition that creates abscesses throughout my body – I know that with an abscess you CANNOT numb the whole area. On top of that, my gums are usually so sensitive that they numb me up for regular cleanings.

 

He numbed me, and started. I stopped him. “Ah cun stew fweel evweyding.!” So he numbs some more. “Ah CUN STEWL FWEEL!!!” And he numbs some more. “OWWWWWWWW.” And he says

 

“You’ll just have to deal with it.”

 

MUTHATRUCKIN WHA—–

 

There is nothing in the pain I’ve felt in the past that could compare to that time in the dentist chair. Feeling EVERYTHING as he used his saw, drill, and whatever else he had to remove those teeth. The feeling of the tooth being cracked and scraped and ripped from my jaw, the sounds, the pressure, the pain as I fought to stay still as my whole body was lifted over and over as he struggled to pull out those teeth.

 

Tears ran freely down my face. I felt HELL, and hell was a dentist’s chair.

 

Imagine being able to feel that crap. All of it.

 

I tried to find a happy place. I tried to tell myself that anything hurt more: childbirth or something. That the pain was all in my head. All the while this bastard has not tried to have any finesse and treats me like a dead animal that can’t feel.

 

Can you understand why I would avoid the dental demon doctor? It took me about 2 weeks to recover from that. And now they have the other 2 wisdom teeth that need to be pulled. Today, just during my exam my pulse was over 120 (which apparently is not good. They took it a second time and it was 117. Better? Who the frack knows, I’m not a doctor).

Luckily, this is not the same military base of pain that was the one that tried to torture me. These people today LISTENED. They gave me MEDICINE. They gave me PAIN stuffs so that hopefully I can get this infection down before they start the cutting, and sawing, and demolishment on my mouth.

 

I swear though… if they don’t stop when I have pain and try something else, I will fully give over to a psychotic break.

Punch a Clown in the Face & Other Phobias

Stephen King’s It was the first story, movie and written, that got me into Stephen King and adult horror books. I think I was about ten or so. Saw the movie first and then went to the library to rent out the book. This series also solidified the creepiness of Clowns. Pennywise is still forever more the scariest clown in the history of the world.

I hate clowns. But that phobia is kind of normal. I mean, who actually likes clowns? They have fake painted faces, always smiling, laughing for no reason, making you try to laugh with them. Who does that?! Clowns do. They’re unsettling little bastards that do not seem human once they have all the clown makeup and gear on. They also have a habit of messing more with the people who aren’t smiling. Guess who that is? Me. Yes, me. And I can’t give them a fake smile because all I can think about it that as soon as I start to trust them a butcher knife is going to come out of the folds of their costume and they will proceed to chop me into little pieces.

The other thing that unsettles me kind of connects to the clown issue: furries and full costume wearers (like the Mickey & Disney characters). Seriously, I refuse to ever go to Disney World. I have the money saved, I love amusement parks, but heck to the naw. Those beasts are running all around the park, the commercials say so! And THEIR fixed smiles and big gloved hands are going to come towards me, ready to touch me, and I will ACT A FRACKIN FOOL. One of my jobs once called for me to be around a mascot for an amount of time. Even though I knew who was in the costume, they knew that once the head was on to stay far away from me. Or they may not walk away with their twigs and berries un-kicked.

What else unsettles dimensionthe5th? Glad you asked: birds. Yes, all kinds of birds. Except penguins  They’re cool. But especially ducks and geese. There’s these gangster geese at the lake by my mother’s house that like to try and attack me when all I’m trying to do is sit out on the porch and inhale some nicotine while reading a book. Birds plot, you can tell… that’s why you’ll be minding your business far away from them and they will find you and poop on you anyway. I think it’s between dolphins and birds that one of those devious animals will try and take over the world from humans one day. In case you didn’t know, I’m convinced dolphins are shady bastards.

Last but not least, I do feel bad about this one, because these people can’t help it, but midgets freak me out. I don’t know if it was Oompa Loompas at an early age or something else that makes me feel skittish around little people, but I’m just… I don’t try to, and I think I hide my feelings pretty well, but I’m just ready to run when I see someone of the shorter stature. It doesn’t help that my weirdest and scariest dreams feature evil midget monsters. That and monkeys, but the monkeys are usually on my side.

What does that all tell you? I watched too many horror movies and read too many Stephen King books as a young kid.