You sound like a tuba farting in the bathroom… and Ninja Airlines

Seriously it just happened

Monster Teen decided to use the upstairs bathroom just a while ago, and it (the odious back-blast from his badonk) shook the first floor of our apartment.

Since Monster Teen is almost off his “Super Grounding Z” (patent pending), we’ve been slightly having fun with each other. Which means we get to have cool convos with each other again. Yay! My son was actually reading my poetry and giving his own interpretation for each. Which is cool, because since he plans to be the best percussionist EVAR, and write his own songs for his fantasy band, if my writing skills did some slimy leaking into his genetics – well I’m ecstatic!

Of course, then we had to go weird and think up Ninja Airlines.

So here was how it started. So I was talking about how chilly it’s getting and him needing some long johns. But I called them ninja pajamas. I call them ninja pajamas because the military issues long johns. and at one point they were black and silky. And they had little thumb-hooks. So cool. And so, if you were just running around in your long johns for spits n giggles, you’d feel all ninja-like.

Ahem. Anyway, so I’m explaining that all to the Monster T because he asked why I called them ninja PJs. And then he pointed out that our long johns are now tan-colored. So I explained that it’s for desert ninjas.

Monster Teen: But why would ninjas be in the desert?

Me: Ninjas are needed everywhere, and need to be able to blend.

M.T.: But how we they get there?

Me (with complete sincerity): Ninja Airlines, of course.

M.T. (pretending to be an airline attendant): Welcome to Ninja Airlines… I’m not sure if you are actually here, so I hope you enjoy your flight.

Me: Please remember that there is no jutsu while the plane is in the air. Only before take-off and after landing.

M.T.: No summons allowed in the seats. Yes, I know that they aren’t really pets and can talk and have awesome powers, but they must be left in pet carriers.

Me: Please no trying to jump out of the plane to run at ninja speed through the trees. We are NOT turning around to pick you back up.

Monster Teen: And please, do not try to hypnotize the pilot. We may crash.

I love my spawn. Giggle-snort.



Your Eyebrows Bother Me… and Other Reasons Not to Date a Guy

So my mom the other day said I should really try dating again seriously, that everyone is not as crazy as some of my exes… That this time I’ll maybe avoid the guy that wants me to wear a strap-on or grow my toenails out super long  (so he can rub his body against them of course *shudder*).

So we’d all like to think that we aren’t superficial, or maybe that’s just me. I’d like to think that I’m not all about looks, until I just decided to join an online dating site the other day. And I now realize, I’m a very superficial bustard.

So, I filled out all my information, and thought “hey, my dating style in international and interracial so I should find lots of pretty men.” And I did get a lot of first 24 hour looks and emails, because hey, I’m a hot geek. But then… I started looking at the guys.

Eyebrows. I swear you can tell if you can trust a person by their eyebrows. There was a girl I used to work with, that as soon as I met her I didn’t trust her because her eyebrows looked like sideways commas. And I was right, because she faked cancer for 6 months.

So, I blocked some guys because of their eyebrows. Then there was the dude with no chin. He tried to cover up his chinless status with a goatee, but nope, it didn’t work. I thought about “can I kiss a guy with no chin?” *shudder* no.

Muscle bound men with no neck scare me. That’s just not natural. I remember breaking up with a guy in high school for just that fact. He was nice looking and funny, but he had no neck and I was afraid him and his no neck would accidentally crush me one day.

But you know, it not all the looks. I’ve blocked some guys because of the fact that they can’t spell to save their lives. I mean, this is your profile to show to women saying: pick me, I’m a great guy! But you spelled ambitious “imbitous”

No. Just no.

And no, if you use the word swag in everyday conversation, I do not want to know you, let alone have carnal knowledge of you. And who the frack references their twig and berries in their screen name and thinks a woman believes they want a serious relationship???

Oh well, this is what I get for trying to get back out in the dating field, after being absent for a couple of years. My friends and family have strongly suggested I do so, so I don’t become a crazy cat lady. But frack it, I’m going to continue to be picky as heck!

I think I understand how guys fall for 2D characters and fear real women

Seriously, I hate the whole dating game. I hate “getting to know someone” and hoping and planning out possible futures in my head, all for it to fall to pieces. Maybe it’s me, and I’m just too controlling, too much, needing too much attention. Or maybe it’s them another time, where they aren’t ready for the level of commitment. Or maybe it’s both of us another time, where we just aren’t compatible. Or maybe I just keep opening myself to the wrong people.
It may be a problem in what attracts me.
No… I’m not the chick that’s attracted to the bad boy… although they can have those kind of qualities in some aspects I guess. I realized the other day that it probably all has to do with my favorite anime character, and why he is my favorite: Kakashi Hatake from Naruto. Now, stay with me, were going deep into geek territory.
So… Kakashi is the teacher or sensei of the main character. He’s very quiet, apathetic, confident and blunt, and was known to be a genius at a young age. He also lost his mother and then his father at a young age. His father committed suicide. Both of his teammates died early on his life, so at times he’s a pretty sad character. He also loves the pron. Although he cares about other characters, when you sit back and start dissecting this action anime character, you realize he really is more caring about his past and himself, and not really letting anyone else get close to him.
The problem is… that kind of person may be awesome in a ninja cartoon. Not in real life. Those kinds of people in real life end up being emo messes that have breakdowns or just crap over everything. And I’ve been somehow finding that kind of person over and over again and dating them. Shoot me now.
So, yes, maybe I should just stick with my fantasy characters. I know my friends and family want me to get back on the horse and start dating again, but… I’m tired of the “characters” offered.

God is an alien and put alien babies under my skin – Rare medical condition woes

God is frackin with my debut of becoming a Vampire Ninja Kitty

I really think that God looked at my life, saw it was too easy 10 something years ago, and decided to press a button “just to see what happens”. Some people just want to watch the world burn, but God wants to see if he can drive you as insane as I believe he is.

So today was my birthday. Instead of enjoying that I had 2 huge problemos: my monster teen’s meeting with juvenile services, and a rare disease that showed up in my life about 10 years ago.

For the MT: he received some hours of community service and an essay for punishment. I told him he should be thanking the crazy man upstairs because that would’ve been waaaay worse. The rare disease though, I can blame no one but God and the faulty body he gave me.

Hidradenitis Suppurativa. Sounds weird and foreign and disgusting. Weird it is. Disgusting… Well, you google that and see some pictures and tell me what YOU think. Don’t worry, I’ll wait for the dry heaves. We good? Ok.

For those not brave, pffft, HS is a weird disease that doctors still are trying to figure out. You get cysts, or abscesses, in folds of your skin that are painful and start to swell. They can be the size of a dime, or the size of a baseball. There’s no tried and true treatment for it, as I’ve been on almost every antibiotic known to the US. Stress, heat, and weight can play a factor. I get these bundles of hell every couple of months. Sometimes a flare can be just a small knot under my arm, or behind my ear. Other times I may have 4 all in the creases of my groin. Seriously… There’s no telling how many doctors around the world that have seen my giggles and bits.

I don’t have as bad a case as others. Many friends of mine that I’ve met through support groups have it so bad that they’ve had multiple skin grafts from the skin getting thin after flares have ravaged an area. I was close to it at one point, about to lose half of a lip – not on my face. Luckily the skin thickened to where it stopped tearing constantly.

The problem as a whole is the new doctors who seem to lose their sh*t… Excuse me… Seem to lose their knowledge of how things work when an HS sufferer comes in. I was told to bathe more today. Dude, I take at least 2 showers a day. I’m sitting in the frackin bathtub right now as I write! HS is not a hygiene issue! I was treated today like I was overreacting to a needle going into the area between my front bits and my back bits. I dare any of you to be calm cool and collected when getting first a needle shoved in there, and then, because lidocaine NEVER numbs the whole area, feel as your skin there is cut open. And then packed with gauze so it can heal from the inside of. Oh, and that gauze that was stuffed into that gaping hole in your skin, it has to be changed daily. I’ve had this happen so many times that I’ve lost count. And let’s not talk about the idiot nurse who talked of removing this cyst being a cure. Chick, this disease is like Freddy and Jason, it ALWAYS comes back.

Of course, other than the docs and a few close friends, you don’t want to talk about a medical condition like this. Its embarrassing! It’s also embarrassing to limp around and people constantly asking you what’s wrong while you’re just trying to keep from “rubbing the wrong way”. Its depressing, to know that this disease may never end. That at times, when you have a significant other, you can’t be intimate with them because either you’re oozing or just in pain.

But you deal. Because for some reason God wants to frack with you. And even through the pain and tears, you know you are strong. Heck, I’m going into work tomorrow bright and early. I just may stand up all day.