Nightmares and Dreamscapes: The Mind Is a Scary Place, My Mind Anyway

I’ve had many recurring dreams over the years but one element that never fails to shake me up.

Tornadoes.

I love storms, well, unless driving in them. But that’s mostly because of other drivers. But storms are a beauty to watch. They are forces of nature that just make you feel alive. I love to watch lightning strike down and the bass of thunder come afterwards. The wind whip trees into a dancing frenzy. I feel a little “sing with all the colors of the wind, Disney Pocahontas-ish” when watching storms.

Even tornadoes. So why do they haunt my sleep?

It never fails. Sometimes it’s one on the horizon, huge and full of destruction. Black and threatening. Maybe it’s so many that I can’t count coming slowly towards me. Sometimes I’m in the middle, surrounded by the winds around me. And the inside of the storm is calm. Just a large eyeball floating over the land. Staring at me unblinking.

It didn’t have a mouth thank heavens. Oh god, please don’t let it have a mouth next time!!!!

Yes. Remember, this is MY mind so you know it’s going to be extra fracked up.

The tornado or nadoes never reach me. There is just an unbelievably large crushing feeling of doom. Of hopelessness. Of fear.

It’s funny. I have family members and friends that seem to believe that I fear nothing. Like I had a child at 16, joined the military and deployed twice all while saying “whoo-hoo this is fun!!!!”

I fear. A lot.

Answering phones, crowds, people’s ability to possibly be telepathic and read my mind, clowns, birds, little people, people in mascot costumes, bees, roaches, looking in the mirror when the light is off, a sound in a quiet house, my computer camera secretly taping me, public speaking, my face melting off, saying something extremely odd that makes them realize just how coo-koo for cocoa puffs I am, getting blown up in a porta potty while deployed, being alone. Oh yes. I fear the world around me.

But I looked at myself in a mirror long ago (with the light on of course) and decided to face all fears. That I wasn’t going to let fear rule my life. I wasn’t going to go out of my way to do crazy nonsense things, but I was not going to let fear stop me. So I’d sweat and shake and hyperventilate my way through the world. Getting that deep satisfaction afterwards that I survived. Never wanting to do it again. Knowing I would have to in order to stand by my promise to myself.

So, I believe the tornado dreams are two things. One is that they seem to come when a huge change is about to happen in my life. And two, they are the manifestation of my fear I refuse to show to the world.

A couple of bad dreams in order for the world to see that I’m a bad*** chickidee?

I can live with it. As long as the eyeball doesn’t come back. *shudder*

The Creatures Plot Against Me…War Against Nature

I have carpenter bees outside on my patio.

Carpenter bees. I’d never even heard of carpenter bees before moving here. These bustards look like ninja black bumblebees on steroids. They don’t sting you apparently, but the are very… Lively. And they swarm my patio.

If there is one thing to be said about me, it’s that I have many things that make me paranoid, that give me a phobia like feeling that I should run away from it. Bees are one of those things. I have been stung before, back when I was around 10. And although it wasn’t bad and I didn’t even have a stinger left in my back by the time I rode my bike crying back to my house, I was TRAUMATIZED for life.

All bugs look like this to me. The Devil.

And don’t worry, I freely cringe, whimper, and squeal like a little girl at anything that isn’t a pet or zoo animal. So, that means the frog that hopped along past me this morning as I went into the gym (whimper). That’s the possum that used to hang out as the trash compactor at my apartment complex when I lived in Georgia (squeal with a dash of cringe). And that definitely goes for the spider that somehow made it into my car the other night and almost caused me to crash (full out scream and panic).

It’s not just the bugs though. Small animals that are NOT dogs or cats (and many dogs are suspect), freak me out. So I was pulling a desk duty late one night, and my little young service member was manning the desk while I did an outdoor security check. Well, everything was all good until I had to lock a door by the dark area with the huge trash bins. Something big and furry ran past. Loudly.

In the dark. Creature.

It may have called my name as it ran between the trash cans. “Human, I will eat your soul as dessert!”

I said a loud “frack this mess” and speed walked back indoors. When I returned to the desk, I told the little Marine sitting there this: “Look, I know this is about to sound really jacked up and girly, but I need you to go outside and lock a door for me. There’s a creature out there, and I don’t do creatures.”

Luckily the poor little troop was okay and facing down the scary raccoon/cat/possum/monster of the shadows.

Ugh. And in the summer its worse. I want so bad to be a hermit. My pet cat needs to beef up and be a guard dog against all the nonhuman things out to get me.

Don’t Judge Me Just Because I’m Still Afraid of the Dark

You’re judging! I can hear your little judgey thoughts.

So, when I was little, I had more than a little fear of the dark. My family (on my mother’s side) is very superstitious, to the point where many claimed to see ghosts. You didn’t open umbrellas indoors or it would cause bad luck, and if a door opened by itself, it was a dead family member coming to visit. People had prophetic dreams, and could interpret if you wanted them to. And never sleep on your back, because the devil could ride your dreams that way.

And as a child I was one of those with prophetic dreams and seeing things that weren’t there. It could all have been my always overactive imagination, or something “otherworldly” (you can’t see it, but I’m totally wagging my fingers and going “whooooo” like a ghost).

Anyway, one house that we lived in North Carolina was haunted. Like there wasn’t enough to hate about living in NC, ugh. In the house, the TVs would cut on and off by themselves. We saw people walking in and out the house out the corner of our eyes, when the doors were closed and locked, and no one else there. I did NOT like to stay alone in the house!

And of course, being a young preteen fan of Stephen King and all horror movies, I couldn’t sleep in the dark. Who knew if something would try to come out the mirror and murder me. Or from under the bed. Or from the closet. In fact, one night I was having a very vivid dream. There was something in the corner of my room, tan trench coat, fedora pulled down low, and glowing red eyes. It didn’t move, just stood in the corner of the room, with wafting evil filling my brain. I turn the light on, and it’s still there and in fact begins to move toward me. Then I wake up and really turn the light on and its gone. That is still one of the creepiest frackin dreams I’ve ever had, and I dream in color, with soundtrack, and midget’s always like to visit.

So, anyway, around 20 or so I learned to sleep without a lamp or night-light. Yes, it took THAT LONG. All I have to do is view where everything is before I cut off the light, and then rush to the bed, with eyes tight. I don’t EVER look at the mirror, because something maybe watching me from there.

But the other night… I heard noises in my bedroom. I’m sure it was a box that I had rifled through earlier, and things were still settling in there. And maybe I was hearing my cat that likes to scratch at the door sometimes since I refuse to wake up to cat sleeping on my face. But yeah, there were noises. So like a 10-year-old the lights stayed on, and I slept with the lights on. I don’t care if I’m past 30. Judge me all you want!

The night is dark and full of terrors O_O (GoT reference)

Date outside the Box and add Graffiti

I’ve long ago realized that my mind doesn’t work like most people. And that’s okay. A lot of times that means is its more fun in my head than outside of it. But with having an independent brain, plus being an introvert, can make me very self-conscious when I’m out among the masses.

I finally went on a date with one of the guys I met online. I think we’ve been communicating through phone and email for about 2 months now. Don’t quote me on that, I’m bad at math (and time of course falls under math, so for me digital clocks are always the way to go!). Of course, he’s not the only person I’ve talked to from the dating site, but he’s been the easiest to talk to. We’ve been making 1st meeting dates and having to cancel them almost every weekend since we started talking. So you ask: how did it go dimensionthe5th? And I say, hold your frakkin horses, I’m getting to that.

It was… Pleasant. He was gentlemanly, attentive, laughed at my weirdness, and didn’t bat an eye when I started to ramble on and on about the most insane subjects. But… You know that spark that you have with someone who seems to put your heart in your throat and a warmth in your cheeks? It was… Muted. I mean, I’m on a number of painkillers for my back, maybe that muted my energy somewhat. But, there wasn’t an overwhelming “I’ve got to spend more time with this dude!” And maybe that’s a good thing. Things haven’t exactly went well in the past with those that have given me the tingle in my giggles and bits.

I don’t know. I’ve been out of the real dating game for so long that I’m rusty on how these things should progress. If I’m overwhelmed with tingles, in the past I would make a rose-tinted version of the guy. It would be who I imagined they were, other than who they really are. So now, maybe the best thing is just a level “pleasantness”.

But while out… Well, I know I don’t WANT to be like everyone else, but I know somehow I’m always spotted as different. Especially in the brown crayon crowd. Don’t tell me its all in my head! I’m sure it’s not. I think. Anyway, yes, it seems like I get looked at extra. In my eyes, I don’t look any different from any other woman out there, so I have no idea why they do it. I don’t like being sized up. And women seem to do it all the time. Which makes my hackles raise, and causes me to get a tad bit uppity. Although I’m already, I would say pretty articulate, when threatened, I start to probably sound like a pompous bootyhole. Its my fight or flight response. “This is the dimensionthe5th in the wild. Look as she preens and blubbers.” No wonder I’m a rare species.

On top of that, to overcome nervousness, of being out in a crowd of people I tend to put on my “I’m a professional” smile and tone. For some reason, this does not have the effect I want. Instead, people tend to think I’m flirting with them. Arrgh!

Luckily, dude didn’t feel weirded out by me. He just realized that everything I said about myself was true.

Punch a Clown in the Face & Other Phobias

Stephen King’s It was the first story, movie and written, that got me into Stephen King and adult horror books. I think I was about ten or so. Saw the movie first and then went to the library to rent out the book. This series also solidified the creepiness of Clowns. Pennywise is still forever more the scariest clown in the history of the world.

I hate clowns. But that phobia is kind of normal. I mean, who actually likes clowns? They have fake painted faces, always smiling, laughing for no reason, making you try to laugh with them. Who does that?! Clowns do. They’re unsettling little bastards that do not seem human once they have all the clown makeup and gear on. They also have a habit of messing more with the people who aren’t smiling. Guess who that is? Me. Yes, me. And I can’t give them a fake smile because all I can think about it that as soon as I start to trust them a butcher knife is going to come out of the folds of their costume and they will proceed to chop me into little pieces.

The other thing that unsettles me kind of connects to the clown issue: furries and full costume wearers (like the Mickey & Disney characters). Seriously, I refuse to ever go to Disney World. I have the money saved, I love amusement parks, but heck to the naw. Those beasts are running all around the park, the commercials say so! And THEIR fixed smiles and big gloved hands are going to come towards me, ready to touch me, and I will ACT A FRACKIN FOOL. One of my jobs once called for me to be around a mascot for an amount of time. Even though I knew who was in the costume, they knew that once the head was on to stay far away from me. Or they may not walk away with their twigs and berries un-kicked.

What else unsettles dimensionthe5th? Glad you asked: birds. Yes, all kinds of birds. Except penguins  They’re cool. But especially ducks and geese. There’s these gangster geese at the lake by my mother’s house that like to try and attack me when all I’m trying to do is sit out on the porch and inhale some nicotine while reading a book. Birds plot, you can tell… that’s why you’ll be minding your business far away from them and they will find you and poop on you anyway. I think it’s between dolphins and birds that one of those devious animals will try and take over the world from humans one day. In case you didn’t know, I’m convinced dolphins are shady bastards.

Last but not least, I do feel bad about this one, because these people can’t help it, but midgets freak me out. I don’t know if it was Oompa Loompas at an early age or something else that makes me feel skittish around little people, but I’m just… I don’t try to, and I think I hide my feelings pretty well, but I’m just ready to run when I see someone of the shorter stature. It doesn’t help that my weirdest and scariest dreams feature evil midget monsters. That and monkeys, but the monkeys are usually on my side.

What does that all tell you? I watched too many horror movies and read too many Stephen King books as a young kid.